Guess what time it is? Yep. It’s QQ wah-wah time. Feel free to skip.
Just so absolutely tired lately. I have a hard time evoking any strong feelings from myself. Everything is just stale and bland. I went as far as imagine worst-case-scenarios and consequently frightened myself because I didn’t feel as strongly about them as I used to.
People keep telling me that I should try finding hope in pursuing my dreams, but I can’t even give a straight up answer what my dreams are. I feel like I used to know, but they’re only watered down hazy images now.
I’m tired of living with this gut-wrenching feeling. Some days it’s easier to ignore than others.
Also pretty convinced that the people I am with don’t actually like me. Probably actually kind of hate me.
Just dropping this here, because I’ve seen a lot of posts about mis-gendering being on my dash lately: If you’ve ever referred to me as “she” or “he” it’s completely fine. I am comfortable with both. Don’t feel bad if you think you’ve given me the wrong pronoun before! Personally I’d prefer a completely gender neutral one, but seeing as I can very easily identify as either gender at (almost) any given time, it’s really no biggie.
I’m a bit uh, fluid like that. I guess. If that makes sense to you.
I envy people who can be so casually sociable.
I envy people who can make friends and keep friends.
I guess I just feel really lonely lately.
That feeling when you find an amazing person online and you would love to send a message to them but they are Chinese and you don’t really share a common language to communicate with.
Suddenly realise that the reason a lot of classic art which have survived the trials of time contain nudity is because they were the equivalent of furry porn artists of their time. *sweats nervously*
I’m writing this post as a reminder to myself. Something to reference later on if I need. It’s just to study of my own psyche. You don’t need to worry, honestly.
I’d like to talk to someone to get my head looked at in case I have cyclothymia but I have so many negative experiences about doctors that the threshold to do so has grown quite large.
I know “self diagnosing” is major bullshit, and I’m not insisting that I necessarily have the aforementioned problem. I just feel like I might have, seeing as I alternate between three different kind of moods and they last from few days to a few months. There’s the “normal” mode, the “hyper” mode and the “life sucks” mode.
The “hyper” mode isn’t really all positive, even though it might make me cackle and crack up at absolutely tiniest prompts, but it’s the kind of uncontrollable weird kind of laugh. I also can’t reign myself at this mood at all. I can’t concentrate or do anything really productive. Yeah I might do a shitload of things but most of them won’t accomplish anything, really. Also I have weird urges to smash things or sometimes even hurt myself during these periods. (I extremely rarely-to-almost never do though. But the thought is there, like, “if someone touches me now I will break an arm.”)
The “life sucks” mode is really passive, but negatively so. I’m just massively apathetic and don’t really care about anything at all. I’m sluggish and slow and just stare at walls. I give up extremely easily, push doing things even if they’re urgent. (Like, getting medication or something like that.) I might be able to accomplish a few productive things at an extremely slow rate while feeling “this is pointless, why do I even try.”
Normal(?) mode is pretty much what you’d expect. I act almost like a proper person. I love most of everything and everyone and want to be nice to people. During these times I usually get the most done because I’m not wasting energy on self pity or self criticism. I get most ideas, have most fun, get interested in new stuff and am pretty much content.
This post was written under the “hyper” mode and I am noticing that I’m having more problems typing than normally. Also, not getting the right character out on second or third try or so gives me massive urges to start smacking the keyboard.
I’m sorry if caps lock bothers you. I tend to use it when I get excited and if I feel comfortable with talking to you. u_u In hindsight I tend to caps quite a bit sometimes. Just… just tell me if it gets on your nerves.
Finnish problems: When someone uses the word “hella" all I can think of is
God damnit supernatural fandom. My mother just shared a post on facebook that has a picture of Cas on it but I don’t think she knows anything about the character or the show.
much conflict, many argues, so chaos, wow
2014 u okay?